We rowed and rowed and rowed
I told her to go to the streets,
I told her I gonna defile her shroud,
my mouth full of lies and sweets
poured on her all its loathing
and I told her, god, I told her
that she hustled for all her clothing,
begged for is leather, pleaded - fur,
I wished she would fall down
and break her neck on ice
for all the times that I went down,
for all the times she made me think twice.
The next day we stayed separate
from the unspoken in my throat I had a tickle
and all the phlegm did not evaporate
and I betrayed myself being twice as fickle.
And it was as if, it was as if, as if
she curtained the sun with a bed sheet
and stole the moon, hid it in her coat
because nothing she wrote.
The next day she came recollected
despite my unwritten scripture of 'never loved you'
like broken china, bittersweet and rejected
she brought me a thought on to chew,
she told me about the day before,
told me, she didn't leave the house
preferred the safe inside and the wooden floor,
she crept around like a wise mouse
afraid of the ice breaking her in two,
I was less fortunate as the day before
my stiff body to the streets I threw,
then I approached the frozen shore,
made one step, then two, then more
in its thinness soon appeared a crack
I froze enchanted and terrified by its galore —
I stepped forward as if under a spell
and then gloriously I fell, I fell, I fell
not on the ice, not under, but deeper
and the ice edges turned out to be steeper.
And every time I hear her calling
still I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling.
*
How so, I want so
to be an ordinary middle-class nonsense
and go with you to the shop
and buy there the bed sheets.
I will say, "I've never seen such pretty sheets!"
And the tears will run down my cheeks
and I will
be
so damn dumb happy.
*
You do not exist
what exists are my thoughts of you
and my yearning
and this car's weeping rear-view mirror.